And the morons, they go round and round

Elnuestros doesn’t pretend to possess the kind of cojones that would enable him to strap himself into a modified stock car and drive it in a circle at 200 miles an hour, inches from cars in front and back and on each side. He would sniff his hanky and swoon were he ever confronted with such a manly challenge. He also would get bored out of his mind at the idea of doing that for, what? Five hundred miles? Are you nuts?
But as much as he admires the hairy descenders of the original moonshine runners –– we’re talking to you Junior Johnson –– and as much as his sense of self was formed by driving the highway outside of Asheville, N.C., where Robert Mitchum flicked his cigarette into the face of the revenooer in that cinema classic, “Thunder Road,” he would maintain that the federal government has no business sponsoring stock car races if it can’t sponsor young minds.
Take that NASCAR money and invest it in HeadStart. Slap a sticker on those little black kids if you need to, but set ‘em up to win. Give them some factory backing.
That’s the kind of thing Elnuestros can’t help but think when he reads that some tobacco-chewing, snuff-dipping, cousin-porking, inbred, bass-fishing, Vienna-sausage-eating, Winston-smoking Son of the South has faxed a death threat to a member of Congress from Minnesota for having the temerity to suggest that the $7 million a year the Pentagon is spending to sponsor a NASCAR team might be better spent elsewhere.